There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
