My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
