I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
