Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your cock deserves a montage
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
