Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
