apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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