Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
