I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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