My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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