I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
