So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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