Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
