Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
