yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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