New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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