She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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