I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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