I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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