he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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