I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
