I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
