I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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