I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and she was petting her beer can
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
