if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
