I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
