her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
