Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
