what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
