we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
