You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
