i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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