A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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