I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
