He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i dont even know how to be here
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
