my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
