i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
