Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
