rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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