Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
