i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My life is pants optional.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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