Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He passed out mid-signature
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
