just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
