woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
