In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
this boner is exhausting
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
drinking out of a sandbucket again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
