Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
