i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
