What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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