He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Shame - the story of my life.
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