so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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