I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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