I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
